The Reign of King Donald I: A Whimsical (and Slightly Unsettling) Fantasy

Imagine, if you will, a United States where the democratic foundations have been replaced by a system of absolute monarchy. King Donald I, as he now prefers to be addressed, holds court in a gilded, if slightly gaudy, version of the White House, now known as the “Trump Royal Palace.”

The transition was, shall we say, “unconventional.” A series of unprecedented legal maneuvers, coupled with a dash of what some might call “alternative facts,” led to the abolishment of term limits and the establishment of hereditary rule. The nation, now the “Glorious American Kingdom,” buzzes with a strange mix of fervent loyalty and hushed dissent.

The Court Jester: A Motley Crew of Satirists and Eccentrics

In this royal court, the role of Jester is not a singular position but a rotating cast of characters, each bringing their own brand of satirical chaos.

• Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon: These late-night titans, now officially appointed “Royal Commentators,” deliver nightly addresses to the kingdom, blending political commentary with slapstick humor. Their skits often involve elaborate costumes and exaggerated impersonations of various court figures, much to the king’s amusement (and occasional ire).
• Ben Carson, the Royal Oracle: Once a respected neurosurgeon, Carson now serves as the court’s resident sage, dispensing cryptic pronouncements and philosophical musings that often leave the royal court utterly bewildered. His pronouncements, filled with metaphors and allegories, are meticulously analyzed by royal scholars, who often emerge more confused than before.
• Elon Musk, the Royal Inventor: Musk, ever the entrepreneur, has been tasked with developing groundbreaking technologies for the kingdom. His latest project, a fleet of self-driving chariots powered by “truth social” algorithms, is perpetually delayed due to “unforeseen software glitches.” He also is in charge of the royal bird, a blue bird that has to be fed 42 billion bits of information a day.
• Jordan Peterson, the Royal Philosopher: Peterson, with his stern pronouncements on personal responsibility and the importance of cleaning one’s room, serves as the court’s moral compass. His lectures, delivered in a booming baritone, are mandatory listening for all royal subjects, though most find them utterly perplexing.
• Kanye West, the Royal Bard: West, now known as “Ye, the Royal Rhapsodist,” composes elaborate musical odes to the king, blending hip-hop beats with operatic flourishes. His performances, often held in the palace’s grand ballroom, are a spectacle of self-aggrandizement and avant-garde fashion.

Royal National Fast Food Day: A Feast Fit for a King

To celebrate his glorious reign, King Donald I has declared the first Tuesday of every month “Royal National Fast Food Day.” On this sacred day, all citizens are required to partake in a feast of burgers, fries, and fried chicken, all served in gold-plated containers.

The day culminates in a grand banquet at the Trump Royal Palace, where the king himself unveils his latest culinary creation: the “Trump Tower Burger,” a towering monstrosity of beef patties, bacon, cheese, and a secret “special sauce” rumored to contain traces of gold leaf.

The festivities are punctuated by fireworks displays, patriotic anthems, and the king’s signature catchphrases, all broadcast live on the Royal News Network.

The Glorious American Kingdom, under the reign of King Donald I, is a bizarre and bewildering place, a surreal blend of celebrity culture, political satire, and fast-food excess. While some citizens revel in the spectacle, others whisper of a return to a time when democracy reigned supreme.