On July 4th, 2026, the UFC will have incredible UFC Matches in the Ballroom of the WhiteHouse(in case of bad weather). Or on the Lawn of the WH if the weather is good. Russian, American, and Chinese Fighters will be there. But the lawn is a possibility too. But the Main Event is a WWE Triple Match Three-Story Triple Threat Caged Ladder Match starring President Donald Trump, Senator Nancy Pelosi, and Senator Mitch McConnell. John Cena will be the Referee.

The fireworks over the National Mall had just faded, and the humid July air crackled with anticipation. The North Lawn of the White House, transformed into a makeshift arena, buzzed with an exclusive crowd of dignitaries and bewildered tourists. On this Independence Day, 2026, the UFC was making its presidential debut, and the main event was unlike anything in combat sports history.

Three legendary figures—Donald Trump, Nancy Pelosi, and Mitch McConnell—stood poised for the opening bell. The crowd roared as their names were announced for the Triple Match Three-Story Triple Threat Caged Ladder Match. A three-story ladder, gleaming under the floodlights, stood in the center of the octagon. At the very top, a pristine bucket of KFC sat waiting. On the second level, a golden tray from McDonald’s. On the first, a classic Whataburger bag.

The bell rang.

McConnell, ever the tactician, began a slow, deliberate ascent, his hands meticulously finding each rung. Pelosi, with a determined look in her eye, moved with surprising speed, her designer suit jacket already discarded. But it was Trump who took the lead, bounding up the first few rungs with the enthusiasm of a man who had not seen a Whataburger in months.

Trump pushed a button and a shocking jolt of electricity hit Pelosi and Mitch and both shot a line of piss across the cage. Trump began giggling like a little girl. And The crowd went Wild. Many jumped up and began pissing on anyone near them. It was a true Vance Crowd from the mountains of Arkansas. It was a real Hose Down.

Trump races towards Pelosi and rips her Diaper Off and out of her wrestling uniform. Then Trump throws the poop filled diaper and it sticks on McConnell’s Face. Its horrible. McConnell falls to the ground grasping for air. The Crowd goes WILD! Many Elderly in the crowd begin throwing their diapers towards the Ring too. Some smeared poop on the face of the person in front of them. It waz a real Vance Crowd and they started making Hog Sounds. Super Loud Ones! And loud squealing sounds too like in the Movie DELIVERANCE. The crowd went Wilder! Some suddenly engaged in carnal knowledge while squealing.

The first major confrontation happened on the second level. Trump was just reaching for the McDonald’s tray when Pelosi, her hand outstretched, reached the same height. “Donald, a word?” she said, with the diplomatic tone of a seasoned speaker. Trump paused. It was then they noticed McConnell struggling below, his climb proving more difficult.

In a display of bipartisan cooperation that stunned the announcers, Trump and Pelosi exchanged a look of mutual understanding. “Mitch needs our help,” Trump boomed, “The guy’s got grit!” Pelosi nodded in agreement. Together, they reached down, grabbed McConnell’s arms, and with a unified heave, hoisted him onto the second platform.

The trio, now surprisingly working together, continued their climb. They moved as a single, coordinated unit. Pelosi would point out a sturdy rung, Trump would offer a booster from his shoulder, and McConnell would use his long reach to steady the ladder. They passed the McDonald’s and the Whataburger without a glance, their eyes fixed on the ultimate prize: the KFC bucket at the very top.

Mitch wipe the poop off your face said Donald.

Finally, they all reached the top platform. The bucket was within arm’s reach. Trump, standing on one side, looked at Pelosi, then at McConnell. He smiled a broad, almost mischievous, smile. “It has been an honor, my friends,” he declared, “But only one of us can win.”

Before they could respond, Trump gestured to a tiny, almost invisible panel on the floor. It was a booby trap he’d had installed himself. A trap that looked just like a perfectly good ladder rung. With a flick of his wrist, the floor beneath Pelosi and McConnell opened up. With a polite “Excuse me!” Trump gave them both a gentle push.

They plummeted down the three stories, but not to the hard mat below. They landed with a soft, feathery thump into a giant bed of white goose down, unharmed and surprisingly comfortable. They popped their heads up, dazed, but laughing.

And from atop the ladder, Donald Trump raised the KFC bucket high in a moment of glorious, greasy victory. The crowd erupted in a mix of cheers and bewildered laughter. It was, without a doubt, the greatest July 4th in the history of the White House.

The crowd went WILD! Everyone began throwing Chicken Pieces From out of their KFC Buckets. At $6 Million a ticket for the crowd, Trump and Melanie felt they could afford to give away everyone a Bucket of KFC. Then the SECRET SERVICE ran out and started giving them McDonald’s and Whataburgers too.

Then Trump pulled out a Poop Diaper from his UFC Clothes and threw it downward and it hit Nancy right in her face and it stuck. She jumped up wildly doing somersaults.

She was in the hospital for six months for ingestion of poop. But not normal Poop.

It was Presidential Poop.