THE “GREAT AGAIN-ER” REAR-YEAR-ENDER GALA ADDRESS to the Nation

As President Trump makes his Appeals to the Nation in a National Address, Folks shot over to the local Comedy Club to hear the Same Version of Trump’s Speech told in a less elegant manner.

Just step up to the mic, tap it twice to make sure it’s on, and give the audience that “I can’t believe I’m about to read this” look on your face and let it rip.

WARNING: ICE is subject to arrest anyone talking without cause if they want to arrest you.

Since it’s December 17, 2025, and the President is about to give his big primetime review of Year One, here is your “Official Address to the Nation” (written on the back of a Gold Card receipt).

THE “GREAT AGAIN-ER” REAR-YEAR-ENDER GALA ADDRESS

(To be read with a very long tie and an even longer list of grievances)

[The Scene: You stand behind a podium made of stacked “Trump Accounts” for kids. You take a slow sip from a bottle of water with both hands.]

“My fellow Americans—the ones with the hats, specifically—what a year. They said it couldn’t be done. They said, ‘Sir, you can’t just blockade an entire country’s oil because they looked at you funny,’ and I said, ‘Watch me.’ Now Venezuela is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Or a tanker sinking. It’s very peaceful. Very wet.

People ask about the economy. They say, ‘Sir, I can’t afford a single egg.’ And I tell them: look at the Trump Accounts. Every child in America now has a savings account that I personally promised will be ‘huge’ by the time they’re 80. By then, an egg will cost a million dollars, but you’ll have the account! It’s called math. Very complex. The ‘Trump Tariff’ is paying for everything. We’re taxing the air coming in from Mexico. It’s high-quality air, very breezy, but it’s not free.

And the Border! We’ve built so much wall, I’ve actually accidentally walled in a Starbucks in El Paso. The baristas are now federal employees. They make a ‘Deportation Decaf’ that is—quite frankly—too strong for the Democrats.

Speaking of the Democrats… they had a shutdown. A total collapse! I fell asleep in the Oval Office during the negotiations—it was a power nap, very high energy—and when I woke up, they’d given me a stadium. The Washington Commanders are now the Washington Trumps. The mascot is just a giant golden wig that refuses to move when it’s windy.

We’ve had some incidents. A ‘terrorist attack’ in D.C.? I call it a ‘disorganized parade.’ My National Guard stayed strong. I told them, ‘Don’t let them touch the gold leaf on the new White House Ballroom.’ We need that ballroom for the 2026 agenda, which is mostly just me hosting The Apprentice: Cabinet Edition to see who stays.

So, as we head into 2026, remember: the polls are fake, the inflation is just your wallet being ‘slender,’ and I am the most popular person to ever live in a house this white.

God bless me, and God bless the Space Force. They found a new planet this morning. I’ve already put a hotel on it. Goodnight!”

Why this wins the contest:

  • The Contrast: It leans into the gap between the “historic accomplishments” and the actual news (like falling asleep in the Oval or the Venezuela blockade).
  • The Callback: It references the “Trump Accounts” and “Washington Commanders” stadium rumors currently floating around.
  • The Physicality: Doing the two-handed water sip is a classic comedy club move that gets an immediate laugh before you even speak.

To really bring the house down at the Comic Club, you need some “insider” jabs about the current 2025 chaos—like the Space Force’s budget or the fact that the White House lawn is now a golf course.

Here is the “Unfiltered & Unstable” script for your set:

THE “2025: YEAR OF THE YUGE” SCRIPT

[The Comedian walks out carrying a literal bucket of gold spray paint and a very small glass of water.]

COMEDIAN:

“Alright, settle down, folks! Welcome to the state of the union… which, according to the latest executive order, is now sponsored by Trump Steaks: The Sequel.

Can we talk about this address tonight? The President is going live at 9:00 PM to tell us how great the year was. And it was great. We finally solved the border issue—by building the wall entirely out of leftover ‘Never Surrender’ sneakers. It’s the first border defense that’s both high-top and incredibly flammable.

And the economy! He’s going to talk about ‘Trump Accounts’ for children. It’s a beautiful system. Every newborn baby gets a savings account, but you can only withdraw the money if you can beat the President in a long-drive competition at Mar-a-Lago. Those toddlers are going to be broke for a long time, folks.

Did you see the news about the Venezuela Blockade? We’re not just stopping the tankers; we’re replacing their oil with ‘Trump Victory Cologne.’ It doesn’t power the engines, but the Caribbean has never smelled more like ‘Aggressive Sandalwood and Success.’

And let’s be honest about the foreign policy. He’s ‘brokering peace’ between Ukraine and Russia. His plan? He’s just going to buy both countries and turn them into a giant reality TV set called Who Wants to Be a Sovereign Nation? Spoiler alert: The winner gets a signed MAGA hat and a 10% discount at the Trump Tower Kyiv.

But the best part of the 2026 preview? He’s proposing we replace the National Guard with ‘The Space Force: Mall Security Division.’ They don’t have guns, just very bright lasers and those hoverboards that used to explode in 2015.

So tonight, when you watch the speech, remember: If your TV starts glowing gold, don’t adjust the settings. That’s just the new ‘Presidential Filter’ he mandated for all major networks.

God bless the economy, God bless the tariffs, and may your ‘Trump Account’ eventually have enough for a dozen eggs! I’m out!”

Why this kills:

  • The “Trump Accounts” Jab: It mocks the real 2025 policy proposal (Baby Bonds/Trump Accounts) by adding a ridiculous “barrier to entry.”
  • Physical Comedy: Using the “gold spray paint” as a prop fits the 2025 aesthetic perfectly.
  • Current Events: It ties in the actual headlines about the Venezuela blockade and the Ukraine-Russia mediation efforts.

This third one is for the “Late Night Roaster” vibe—faster, meaner, and leaning heavily into the weirdness of a world where everything is branded.

THE “EVERYTHING MUST GO(LD)” ADDRESS

(The comedian enters wearing a “Space Force” helmet but a tuxedo underneath. He’s holding a map of the world where several countries are just covered in gold glitter.)

COMEDIAN:

“Is this thing on? Or did the President trade the microphone for a more loyal piece of equipment?

So, it’s December 17th. One year down! The President is coming on tonight to reclaim the ‘narrative.’ Which is hard to do when the narrative is currently being held hostage by a 30% tariff on everything including—and I’m not kidding—the air inside potato chip bags. I opened a bag of Lay’s yesterday and had to pay a five-dollar ‘import fee’ to the kid at the register.

He’s going to talk about the ‘Historic Accomplishments.’ And he’s right! We are the first nation in history to attempt to pay off the national debt using nothing but ‘Trump Digital Trading Cards.’ I tried to pay my rent with a ‘Rare Holographic President-on-a-Lion’ NFT, and my landlord told me he’d only accept it if it came with a signed 10% discount at the new White House Gift Shop.

And can we talk about Foreign Policy? He’s brokering peace! His strategy for Ukraine and Russia is basically a real estate flip. He told them, ‘Listen, the mud is terrible for curb appeal. We’re going to pave the whole region, put in a fountain, and call it Trump-ania.’ Peace through parking lots, folks. It’s genius.

And the Venezuela Blockade? We’re not even using ships anymore. We’re just having the Space Force hover over them and play ‘YMCA’ on giant speakers until they agree to trade oil for Mar-a-Lago memberships. It’s the first ‘Disco Blockade’ in human history.

But the big 2026 teaser? The ‘Trump Accounts’ for kids. It’s a great deal. Your child gets $1,000 at birth, but there’s a catch: the PIN code is hidden somewhere in the fine print of a 4,000-page book written by JD Vance. By the time the kid finds it, the thousand dollars will be worth exactly one ‘Trump Steak’ and a commemorative coin.

So tonight, pull up a chair, grab a glass of ‘Tariff-Free Tap Water,’ and enjoy the show. Because in 2026, we’re not just making America Great Again—we’re putting a gift shop in the Lincoln Memorial! Goodnight!”

The “Comic Club” Strategy for this Script:

  • The NFT Jab: Since the “Digital Trading Cards” are a real thing, mocking them as a solution for the national debt always gets a laugh.
  • The Pacing: This script uses “rapid-fire” jokes, moving from the economy to foreign policy quickly to keep the energy up.
  • The Visual: The “Space Force helmet with a tuxedo” perfectly captures the 2025 “Formal but Weird” aesthetic.