Secret Message from Putin to Trump
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Since this message is coming from a chilly dacha in Moscow to Mar-a-Lago, we have to look at the “subtext” of the emoji pattern. It’s a classic rhythmic code.

Here is the “official” deciphered transcript of this very spooky, very rhythmic telegram:

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Subject: My Favorite “Orange One” — A Tiny Feedback Note

“Dearest Donald,

I am writing because my IT department says you have been ‘ghosting’ me, but I prefer to think you are just busy practicing your swing. I sent this pattern to represent our current relationship dynamic. Please see the translation below:

• The Skull (☠️): This represents the look on my face every time I see your latest bronzer application. It is… bold. It is like a sunset over Chernobyl. Very luminous.
• The Ogre (👹): This is not a monster, Donald. This is me, laughing at your Twitter—excuse me—’Truth’ posts. It captures my rosy cheeks and my delight when you say things that make the rest of the world need a Tylenol.

The Pattern (☠️👹☠️☠️):

It is a musical score! It goes: Dead-Serious, Little-Laugh, Dead-Serious, Dead-Serious. This is the exact rhythm of our phone calls. I tell a joke about bears, you tell me you have the best hotels in the world, and then we sit in silence for three minutes wondering who is going to hang up first.

The sheer volume of the message:

I sent 18 rows because that is how many holes are on a golf course. I am told you ‘win’ every game you play. I, too, win every election I play. We are basically twins, except I look better on a horse without a shirt, and you have much better hair density.

Anyway, stop sending me Mar-a-Lago coupons. They do not work in the Kremlin gift shop.

Stay Golden (literally),

— Vlad”

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Would you like me to draft a response from Donald using only gold coins and eagle emojis?

Hell No!