On this historic Saturday, January 3, 2026, the world is still reeling from the news that Operation Absolute Resolve successfully extracted Nicolás Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores, from Caracas.

As Maduro steps off the plane at Stewart Air National Guard Base in New York—still reportedly wearing the gray sweatsuit and tactical headphones seen in President Trump’s Truth Social photos—one can only imagine the first “meeting of the minds.”

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The Great Airport Arrival Debate

Location: A high-security hangar in New York.

Participants: President Donald J. Trump (via secure video link from Mar-a-Lago) and Nicolás Maduro (handcuffed, looking confused).

Trump: (Adjusting his tie) Nicolás! Welcome to New York. The Big Apple. You look fantastic in the sweatsuit, by the way. Very athletic. A lot of people are saying it’s a great look for a guy who used to run a country into the ground.

Maduro: (Shouting) This is a violation of international law! I am the Constitutional President! You are a pirate of the Caribbean, Trump! Where is my sash? Where is my mustache comb?

Trump: Look, Nick—can I call you Nick? We have the best mustache combs in the world here. We’re going to give you a very nice comb, maybe gold-plated, in your new cell. But let’s talk about the flight. I heard the Delta Force guys were very professional. They told me you tried to get into a safe room with steel walls. We had blowtorches, Nick. Massive blowtorches. The biggest blowtorches you’ve ever seen. You can’t hide from a blowtorch like that.

Maduro: You sent 150 planes! To kidnap one man! You are afraid of the Bolivarian Revolution! You are afraid of the workers!

Trump: I’m not afraid of the workers, I love the workers. But your oil, Nick… it’s a disaster. Your infrastructure is broken. It’s a mess. I’m sending in our oil companies—the big ones, the best ones—and they’re going to fix it. We’re going to run the country for a while. We’re calling it “The Ultimate Turnaround.” It’s going to be beautiful. You’re going to love it from your TV in New York.

Maduro: (Gesturing wildly) You think you can just “run” Venezuela? It is not a hotel! It is not a golf course!

Trump: Well, it has great potential for a golf course, actually. Very nice coastline. But right now, you have a “Legitimacy Trap,” as the experts say. A very big trap. And you walked right into it. Also, I saw the photo—the blindfold? Very “Bird Box.” Very dramatic. My team is great at photography.

Maduro: I demand to speak to the United Nations! I demand to speak to Delcy!

Trump: Delcy? She’s already talking to Marco Rubio. She said, “Whatever you need.” She’s very smart. She knows a winner when she sees one. You, on the other hand, are facing a 2020 indictment. Narco-terrorism, Nick. Not a good hobby. You should’ve stuck to the bus driving.

Maduro: I will be back! The people will rise!

Trump: (Waving) Okay, Nick. Enjoy the Metropolitan Detention Center. I hear the food is… well, it’s not Mar-a-Lago, I’ll tell you that. But hey, at least you’re in America now. You always wanted to visit, right? Big League.

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Would you like me to write the transcript of Maduro’s first “phone call” from jail back to Caracas?

Setting the scene: Maduro is in a high-security holding cell. He has been granted one three-minute phone call. He hasn’t quite grasped that he’s no longer in charge, and he’s calling Diosdado Cabello back at Miraflores.

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The Transcript: Collect Call from “The Big Mustache”

Operator: You have a collect call from… [Muffled voice: “The Iron Conductor of the People!”] …Do you accept the charges?

Diosdado: [Sighs] Yes, fine. Put him through.

Maduro: Diosdado! My brother! Listen, the reception in this bunker is terrible. Tell the Minister of Telecommunications he is fired. Also, tell the chef the empanadas here are made of—I don’t know—cardboard? And they forgot the garlic sauce. This is a coup against my digestion!

Diosdado: Nicolás, you’re in a prison in Virginia. There is no Minister of Telecommunications. There is only a guy named “Tiny” who wants your dessert. He wants your Cornbread.

Maduro: Nonsense! I have already begun the Socialist Transformation of Cell Block C. I told the guards that the bird of Chavez flew through the iron bars this morning and landed on my bunk. It chirped the secret instructions for the Great Victory.

Diosdado: And? What did the bird say?

Maduro: It said the Wi-Fi password is “Patria123,” but it’s not working! Diosdado, I need you to send the presidential plane. And tell Cilia to pack my silk tracksuit—the green one that makes me look like a very athletic avocado.

Diosdado: Nicolás, they seized the plane. Also, the “bird” you saw was a pigeon looking for a Cheeto. We are a little busy here trying to figure out who gets to sit in the big chair.

Maduro: The chair? I am the chair! I am the table! I am the whole dining room set of the Revolution! Listen, I’ve been practicing my English for the jury. I will look the judge in the eye and say: “Excuse me, Mister Imperialist, but you are a donkey. My mustache is sovereign!”

Diosdado: That… might not be the best legal strategy.

Maduro: It is a perfect strategy! Oh, wait—the guard is coming. He looks like he wants to debate the dialectics of Marx. Or he wants me to stop singing “Guaidó is a Loser” at the top of my lungs.

Diosdado: It’s probably the singing, Nicolás.

Maduro: I go now, but tell the people: I am on a secret mission to infiltrate the heart of the Empire! I will be back by lunch. Order the Peking duck!

Guard (in background): Hang it up, Big Mac. Time’s up.

Maduro: Did you hear that?! He called me “Big Mac”! He knows I am a King! The revolution is— [Dial tone]

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