The Secure Line: Washington to Moscow

(The scene opens in the Oval Office. President Trump is pacing, vigorously scratching his forearm. He is wearing an oversized bathrobe because his skin is flaring up with a massive, stress-induced rash. He jabs at the secure red phone.)

TRUMP: Vladimir! Tell me you’re there. You picked up on the first ring. Incredible service. Beautiful connection. I have the best secure lines, everyone says so. But Vladimir, I am under a lot of pressure here. The fake news, the upcoming election—I’m telling you, the stress is doing things to my skin. Terrible things. I’ve got a rash, Vladimir. A tremendous rash. It’s a total disaster. I’m thinking about having the DOJ lock up everyone who looked at me funny just to clear it up.

PUTIN: (Sighs deeply on the other end, the sound of ice clinking in a glass of vodka faintly audible) Donald. Please. You call me to complain about a little hives? You think you have pressure? Let me tell you about pressure.

TRUMP: No, but you don’t understand—

PUTIN: No, you do not understand. Yesterday, my defense minister tried to replace my morning tea with actual battery acid. I had to fire him out of a third-story window. Then, a Ukrainian drone flew right into my private dacha and blew up my favorite gold-plated ping-pong table. And my oil depots keep catching fire, Donald! Every day, another fire! The oligarchs are crying, the budget is tight, and I have to sit at a table that is forty feet long just so my own bodyguards do not stab me with a salad fork. You have a little red skin. I have a headache that requires three divisions of the Red Army to control.

TRUMP: Well, sure, the windows and the tea, that sounds tough, very tough. But listen to this—nobody is talking about your oil depots, Vladimir! You know what they’re still talking about here? Epstein! Every day, it’s Epstein this, the flight logs that. It never ends! These Americans are nothing but big Babies.

PUTIN: (Massaging his temples) Donald, the man has been gone for years. Why are you still letting this bother you?

TRUMP: Because they won’t let it go! I tell them, “Look, I barely knew the guy, beautiful islands, terrible guy, very sad story Very pretty girls,” but the media is obsessed! They’re still looking for lists, they’re looking for tapes, they’re looking under the carpets. I told my people at Justice, I said, “Find me a new enemy to charge, find me a distraction, pull something out of a hat!” But they’re slow, Vladimir. So slow. Unlike your people. Your people move fast. Boom, window. Beautiful efficiency. But out here, I’m scratching like a dog. It’s on my neck, it’s on my ankles. If the cameras catch me scratching, the radical left will say I’m breaking down. They’ll say, “Look at Trump, he’s losing it.”

PUTIN: Donald, listen to me. You want to trade places? You want to manage a crumbling empire where the gasoline is being rationed in Sevastopol and my Muslim leaders are having a massive theological fistfight in public? You have a beautiful golf course in Palm Beach. Go hit a ball into a hole and put some calamine lotion on your arms.

TRUMP: Calamine? I only use the best cream. Gold-flecked cream. It costs a fortune, but the rash is tough, Vladimir. It’s an un-American rash, probably sent over from the border, who knows? But the Epstein stuff… if they keep digging into the old stuff, it’s going to ruin the whole vibe of the election. I need a big win. Maybe I’ll just sign this Iran deal today and tell everyone I saved the world.

PUTIN: Yes, go sign your deal, Donald. Open the Strait of Hormuz. Go do a rally. Just stop calling me while I am trying to figure out which of my generals is plotting a coup before lunchtime.. Try to come up with another business that’ll go bankrupt. Or just Bankrupt America. You have had enough experience in that to do it.

TRUMP: Thanks, Vladimir. Great chat. Very cheery. You always know how to make a guy feel better. I’ll tell the DOJ to hold off on the indictments until my skin clears up. Keep away from those windows!

(Trump hangs up, takes a deep breath, and immediately begins scratching his elbow again.)